


Touch

by Guardian_Rose



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Adamant Fortress, Angst, Anxiety Attacks (not described in detail or named but clearly implied), Background Dorian Pavus/Lavellan, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 06:03:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13828041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Guardian_Rose/pseuds/Guardian_Rose
Summary: Hawke had gotten used to always being near Fenris, if not touching him in some way, be it armoured shoulders brushing or curled up in the armchair in front of the mansion’s fireplace.They didn’t leave each other’s sides. Always touching.  Fenris would be next to him to roll his eyes, with only a little exasperation in the act but mostly fond affection. Fenris would be there holding his hand. Fenris would lean into him first and brush his fingers for longer than necessary when handing him a drink and he would be there.Then he wasn’t again.





	Touch

Hawke had gotten used to always being near Fenris, if not touching him in some way, be it armoured shoulders brushing or curled up in the armchair in front of the mansion’s fireplace. At first it had been strange, well. Not  _ strange _ . Just…unexpected. After three years of restraining himself and having a part of his mind constantly measuring the distance between them, so that he was never unwittingly invading the other man’s space, it was to be expected that Fenris’ lack of concern regarding Hawke’s personal space would come as a small shock. The other man was not obvious about it of course, especially not whilst they were within Kirkwall, but anyone walking by would notice it if they paid enough attention to the pair. He had come to cherish walking through Lowtown with a couple of their fingers loosely linked together, always ready in case they encountered anyone dim-witted enough to try to attack them. The first time they held hands in Hightown, to the not-so-subtle whispers and gasps from the nobles, was instigated by Fenris who simply intertwined his hand with Hawke’s completely after they had left the more dangerous streets of Lowtown. Hawke had been sure that it was a one-off, a way to make a statement. That Hawke was taken. Very happily taken. But then it had happened again. And again.

 

After three years of flirting and another three of patiently waiting, he had of course made assumptions on how Fenris would behave and react if they ever did come together again for good. It was a good laugh for Varric when Hawke spent one particularly inebriated evening only half-complaining about how different it really was than he’d dreamt. How very wonderfully different. That was without even getting started on the comments Fenris would make with that damned smirk of his.

 

But then he had left. They had talked about it. Had argued. Hawke broke down first. Fenris following shortly after. They had made promises, so many promises to each other. Hawke had wavered at the end, with the Nightmare on one side and his route home to Fenris on the other; despite everything, despite always trying to save every possible person he could, he didn’t argue when Lavellan pushed him ahead and left Stroud behind. Hawke would blame himself for years to come for being selfish but in that moment, with everything crashing around him, all he could think of was his promise to Fenris. Fenris, who had been through too much already. Who trusted him. Who loved him. Fenris who didn’t deserve to have more heartbreak in his life. That was how he justified his actions. It wasn’t being selfish. It was being selfless, for Fenris. Not that he would ever tell him that though, he didn’t want him to carry the same guilt on his shoulders.

 

It had taken a while to get to Skyhold after leaving Fenris, Hawke still wasn’t sure how long. Probably months. Which was enough time for him to become accustomed to life without Fenris. Without his constant companion for the past however many years. He stopped looking over his shoulder to grin at someone who wasn’t there. He stopped blindly reaching across beds and bed rolls for a body that wasn’t curled up beside him. He stopped listing to one side, expecting there to be support, whenever things became too much. He stopped leaving holes in his defence that he hadn’t even realised Fenris had filled. He hated every minute of it. Every second worse than the last.

 

When he did arrive at Skyhold he had to relearn how to be around so many people on his own, how to drink at the tavern, how to escape from the prying eyes of civilisation. Varric noticed. Hawke knew he did but he didn’t mention it, Maker bless him. He  _ did _ pull out some of the good stuff though so that he could get thoroughly drunk. Cole picked up on it too and as much as Hawke had been wary when first getting to know him, Cole was sweet. In a way that reminded him of Merrill but not so much that he couldn’t bear to talk with him for the pain of lost friends. He did his thing and Hawke had to admit, it helped to know that he wasn’t just going crazy. That in some strange way, someone else understood.

 

Adamant went past in a blur that crystallised in nightmares and random moments when everything was too heavy on his chest and he couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t stay upright without swaying. Lavellan, that kind man who had fallen into an unwanted wealth of power (it sounded eerily familiar to Hawke), was adept at calming him down. He was good with words and was good with coaching Hawke back into a regular breathing pattern. Even when they were walking, Lavellan insisted that Dorian take his mount as the mage’s own had been too injured to be ridden on the way there, the Inquisitor would take the time to help. He was normally walking alongside Dorian who would offer repeatedly to walk himself. Hawke knew the feeling as Fenris had done the same thing to him often during their travels, but would stop complaining and shepherd the other members of the inner circle along so that Lavellan could drop back.

 

By the time they arrived back in Skyhold, Hawke’s attacks were fewer and further between but still he declined a drink at the tavern with Varric and instead decided to retire to his room. It was another two days before he left again. Fenris arrived that evening. It was a further couple of days before they left Hawke’s room.

 

They didn’t leave each other’s sides. Always touching. Hawke took joy in relearning it all over again. That Fenris would be next to him to roll his eyes, with only a little exasperation in the act but mostly fond affection. Fenris would be there holding his hand. Fenris would lean into him first and brush his fingers for longer than necessary when handing him a drink and he would be  _ there _ .

 

Then he wasn’t again.

 

“Fenris, can I talk to you?” Hawke asked eventually; they were in the upper level of the tavern, having been talking to Cole before the boy had drifted off to help an injured scout.

 

Fenris looked up from where he was leaning back against the wall. Hawke himself was sitting cross-legged on one of the crates fiddling with a small shard of ice in his hands until he let it melt.

 

“I could do with a yes or no, love.” He said when Fenris made no further signal, trying to make it sound like he normally did when teasing but he could feel the strain as he said the words; Fenris’ ears flicked, betraying his concern along with the frown tugging at his lips, but he was too far away for Hawke to run his fingers through the snow-white hair around them in his usual soothing manner. That was the problem though wasn’t it. There was distance.

 

“Yes, Hawke. What is it?” Fenris uncrossed his arms, his fingers twitching like he needed something to fiddle with.

 

Hawke had half a mind to toss him another shard of ice, he could keep the spell up easily from this distance.

 

“Have I…is something wrong? More than normal of course.” He’d hoped to at least get a smile from that, Fenris just looked like Hawke had told him he was leaving again.

 

Everything had been, and to a lesser degree was again now, broadcasted clear as day to Hawke, in his expression and his body language. It had all been there. Guilt at wanting Hawke to stay, anger at himself for being so selfish and anger at the world for dumping more than their fair share of bad luck on them. Hawke held out a hand, hoping that since they were alone the other man would take it and he could pull the elf into a reassuring embrace. When they were alone, Fenris was just as affectionate as normal if not more so. But since a couple of days ago, he kept the same distance between them as would be expected of a noblewoman and her potential suitor whilst meeting the family for the first time. Which was to say, more distance between them than they’d had since they first met. It was confusing to say the least. Heartbreaking at the most.

 

“No…” Fenris hesitated before slipping his hand into Hawke’s and letting himself be pulled closer, burying his face into Hawke’s chest. The crate wasn’t very tall but it still accentuated Fenris’ shorter stature.

 

“I’m sorry.” Hawke murmured after awhile, pressing a gentle kiss to the tips of Fenris’ ears.

 

Fenris growled, frustrated, and leaned away before turning to rest his back against Hawke’s chest, he uncrossed his legs to swing them down so they tentatively bracketed the elf on either side. The last thing he wanted to do was make Fenris feel trapped whilst he clearly was having some…frustrations with touch. He let him go, resting his hands on his thighs instead. Fenris hung his head then looked behind, Hawke assumed to see how much Hawke himself had moved and then let out a noise midway between an exasperated sigh and an angry growl. Hawke couldn’t help smiling a little at that, Fenris may not have been one for lots of words but he certainly growled a lot. No wonder Cole had found him so intimidating, and probably still did. Even Lavellan had been wary upon meeting his love.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Hawke.” That snapped him back to the present.

 

“Right, and you don’t glow blue.” He said with a scowl that Fenris didn’t see, still glaring holes into the wall opposite or the floor. It was a little hard to tell from this angle.

 

“I’m not joking, Hawke.”

 

“I’m not either. But that’s not what I wanted to debate.”

 

“Oh, do tell.”

 

“You’ve….I have….You’ve stopped touching me.”

 

“That...” 

 

Fenris leaned further back and Hawke dropped his chin onto his shoulder, reassured that Fenris wanted to be held, and rested his hands across the elf’s stomach; Fenris linked their fingers together and let out a deep breath.

 

“Why?”

 

“I…It’s more than just one reason. It is silly but…not.”

 

“You can tell me, Fen.” Hawke kissed his neck lightly. “Whatever it is, I promise you can tell me.”

 

“In Kirkwall we were protected. You had your title and influence, let alone your money. I had my reputation. Varric’s probably helped too. No one could touch us and if they did, there were no repercussions with handling it ourselves. Here there is no such protection.”

 

“No one here cares, everyone knows about Lavellan and Dorian. They are much more accepting than Kirkwall.” Hawke reasoned, which was true. For the most part.

 

Fenris let out a humourless laugh. “They are where we were so long ago, Hawke. They are protected. You should hear what they say when their backs are turned. We are not granted such a luxury as them.”

 

Hawke deliberated a minute, thinking over what the other man had said before tensing as he came to a realisation. 

 

“Fenris,” he said through gritted teeth, he knew he sounded dangerous even to himself, “if anyone has laid a hand on you or said anything to you that I am unaware of, now would be a good time to give me the names.”

 

“Hawke.” Fenris’ tone was a warning, a reminder to stay level-headed. “There are no names. So get that out of your head.”

 

“Then why?” Hawke was beginning to feel like they were going in circles.

 

“The more they become interested, through hate or gossip, the more they will approach you with questions and comments. I watch you, I am at your side. You flinch, Hawke, and you tense and- and I had to  _ watch _ the Inquisitor pull you away from that couple. I couldn’t  _ do anything _ . You were- you- you couldn’t breathe and you couldn’t hear, I’m not entirely sure you knew what you were seeing. That mage had to tell me what was happening. How it has  _ been _ happening since Adamant and that it’s normally started by being too close to people.” Fenris trailed off but Hawke had already put the pieces together, he’d been stupid not to have thought of it.

 

Of course Fenris had seen. He’d been further down the hall, talking with Varric, waiting for Hawke. Stupid. So stupid. Because of course that’s what Dorian told him, it was mostly true after all. He cursed himself under his breath and pressed another kiss to Fenris’ neck before turning him around in his arms to face him.

 

“In that case, I am truly sorry. Dorian was right with what he told you. But I should have realised what was happening. Lavellan has…experience with that sort of attack and he helps coach me through them but they aren’t from being too close to just anyone. Fenris, my love, please don’t separate yourself from me. I don’t…I don’t want that, or need it. You help, I need  _ you.  _ Not always two steps away, next to me. Holding my hand,” he held their hands up between them to emphasise his point, “sitting next to me, standing at my side. Not halfway across the room.”

 

Hawke waited patiently for Fenris to process, a smile mirroring the elf’s own uncertain one when it all started to make sense for him too.

 

“Oh.”

 

“We really haven’t gotten any better at his over the years, have we?” Hawke teased, especially pleased with the laugh it earnt.

 

“Perhaps not, but we still have time.” Fenris said softly, leaning in again to rest against Hawke.

 

“All the time in the world.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! <3
> 
> Any and all comments welcome! Especially prompts! <3
> 
> Find me on tumblr: guardian-rose-petal
> 
> Thank you to Kimmy for helping edit!


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